“I can’t.”
“I need help!”
“I’m too tired.”
“Will you just do it for me?”
“It’s too hard.”
Caregivers of young children: how many times per day do you hear these phrases? Or maybe these aren’t spoken in your home at all, but they are assumed. Does your child bring you their jacket when it’s time to go outside before attempting to put it on themselves? Do they plop to the ground, insisting they can’t walk any further and that you must carry them, push their bike, and hold their water bottle? Do you pre-open their granola bar or juice box because it cuts out the inevitable 30-second later appeal for help?
As an early childhood teacher, I spend a lot of time encouraging children to take agency over their jackets, shoes, snack wrappers, and even toileting! The difference between home and school is substantial. When children enter the classroom, they are among many. Can you picture one adult being asked by twenty children all at once, ‘Can you open my fruit snack?’ The fall months in early childhood and primary grades classrooms resemble this. Empowering children to try is both beneficial to the child and a survival strategy for the teacher! Caregivers often tell me that they want to foster independence; however, their child protests and tantrums when prompted to ‘try’ at home.
There are many reasons your child may be resistant, and despite your best efforts, you can find yourself in this dynamic before you even realize it. Getting curious about your child’s resistance is the first step. Could something be going on that actually isn’t connected to the task at hand? Here are some common themes I have found and some suggested responses:
Theme: Your child is seeking a familiar connection with you. The transition from being a baby to a small child is huge. As a baby, your child learned that connection and nurturance were caregiving. They were entirely dependent on you to meet all their needs, and when they cried, you responded every time. Now your response has shifted, placing more responsibility on them. For your child, caregiving has always meant connection, so shifting this dynamic creates a sense of disequilibrium that they express through protests and tantrums.
Possible Responses: You want to send your child three important messages in your response 1). I see you as capable 2). If you are truly stuck, I am here for you, and 3). I want to connect with you too. Some phrases that communicate this are:
“You try first. If you are still stuck after a solid try, I am right here to help.”
“I want to connect with you. Once you try it out, let’s read a book together.”
“I wonder what strategy you will come up with for this problem. Will you test one out and then teach it to me?”
Theme: The stakes around doing it ‘right’ feel very high for your child. There are many reasons that this dynamic might develop. A common one is that adults offer generic praise in response to something their child achieves or produces. In this dynamic, well-meaning adults see the child accomplish something and offer praise that communicates ‘you are good because you did it right’. The stakes are high for the child now. Being unsuccessful at a task risks not receiving praise and altering the adult’s image of the child. It feels safer not to try at all than to try and be unsuccessful.
Possible Responses: Focus on your child’s internal experience and process rather than the result. This shifts the power from the outcome to your child’s disposition while attempting something new. For example:
“Wow, I saw you try again and again to fit those puzzle pieces together. How did that feel?”
“You were so thoughtful about the colors you added to your artwork. Why did you choose yellow here?”
“I see you finished your book. You seemed so focused. What parts of the story did you enjoy?”
Theme: They are overwhelmed, tired, or transitioning from an activity that requires a lot of brain resources. Always consider the context. If your child spent time deep in schoolwork, did a big cleanup job, or had disrupted sleep the night before, their stamina for persisting with something new and challenging will be much lower. In these scenarios, you might notice a pattern of bigger emotions across the day. If you feel the protest to ‘trying’ is more about them being at capacity than the task itself, consider adjusting your expectations.
Possible Responses: If you flex, communicate why to your child. Even 3-year-olds can hold simple explanations for why you’re doing something differently than you usually do. All humans need different things at different times; flexibility is a healthy model to follow. You might say:
“It seems like zipping your jacket is feeling extra challenging today. I wonder if it’s because you’re so tired after that bad dream last night. I will do it for you this time, and after a good night’s sleep, I know you’ll be ready to try again tomorrow.”
“I am willing to be flexible because I know your brain needs a break after all that schoolwork. After a break, I know you’ll be ready to persist at this again.”
As a caregiver, you might have questions about your own expectations and/or your child’s response to your expectations. Luckily, many resources in Portland can help you determine if what you are asking of your child is developmentally appropriate. Your child’s teacher will likely have valuable insight and can tell you, within the classroom community, whether your child’s needs align with peers or seem more like an outlier. Further, your child’s pediatrician can dig deeper and even make a referral to an Occupational Therapist for assessment. OTs are experts in child development and work with children of all ages to strengthen foundational skills that support self-care tasks. These include fine motor skills, gross motor coordination, sensory processing, and self-regulation. Shriners Children’s Hospital and Doernbecher Children’s Hospital have some of the leading pediatric OT programs in the area.
Additionally, many OTs in private practice around PDX accept Oregon Health Plan and private insurance. If you have lingering concerns or have a sense that something is off, reach out! These professionals are here to help.
