Secrets From A Real CIA Spy – What Parents Can Learn About Communication, Focus, And Self-Control

Language is one of our most incredible superpowers as humans, and I had the opportunity to speak with a former CIA spy about how to utilize it best. In the digital age, our communication skills are under attack as distractions from technology hinder our ability to use them effectively. With many adults struggling with this, we can only imagine the challenges children are facing. 

When young minds are caught in the whirlwind of phones, tablets, and laptops, it can be hard for them to grasp the value of meaningful dialogue. Jonathan Haidt is a prominent psychologist whose work emphasizes the importance of socializing children and highlights the paramount role of communication between them. I recommend every parent read their work. Haidt’s grasp of the challenges faced by younger generations is crucial to understanding from an academic perspective. Helping our children build communication skills will serve them well for the rest of their lives. 

Andrew Bustamante is a former CIA covert intelligence officer who relied on precise communication to complete successful missions. His story is a fascinating one. After serving in the United States Air Force, specifically in the field of nuclear ICBM operations, he decided to volunteer his time in the US Peace Corps. However, upon submitting his application, he received a recruitment offer to join the Central Intelligence Agency instead. After his training, he was now a member of the CIA’s National Clandestine Service. In other words, he was a top-secret, covert international spy. 

During his 7 years with the CIA, he met his wife, Jihi, who was also a spy. Together, they teamed up for secret missions overseas, many of which remain highly classified to this day. In fact, most of what Andrew Bustamante shares with the public must first undergo a lengthy vetting process by the CIA beforehand. Much of what Bustamante says boils down to the need for enhanced communication skills, and these tactics can be beneficial for our own children as they grow older.  

When I sat down to interview him, I immediately noticed that his body language was calm and relaxed, while still maintaining good posture. Communication goes far beyond words, as the way we carry ourselves is a language in its own right. 

There is a significant amount of misinformation surrounding the CIA. Much of this is because they are a secretive intelligence organization, which leaves considerable room for unverified speculation. Because of this, I asked Bustamante what he thought was the biggest misconception people have of the CIA. Bustamante said that members of the CIA are not all geniuses, but are instead made up of people who fill a needed skill set at that particular time. From there, agents are further upskilled. In other words, someone who was a member of the CIA 30 years ago may not have qualified for a similar position today. The needs of the Central Intelligence Agency are constantly shifting.   

Regarding proper communication skills, I asked Andrew about Freedom of Speech in the United States, a fundamental right of ours. I told him that it seems like many Americans have a misunderstanding of what this constitutional law covers, so I asked him to clarify this. Andrew said that the concept of Freedom of Speech means that the government cannot dictate or limit speech unless it creates an imminent threat. However, there are no protections for the consequences of speech outside of the government. This is an essential tool to clarify with our children, as we need to ensure that they are using their language skills responsibly. Most speech may not be technically illegal, but it can have long-lasting effects. 

I also asked Andrew Bustamante about the concept of privacy. Many Americans think that they have a constitutional right to privacy, but as Bustamante clarified, there is no Federal right to it. In fact, when the Constitution was written, our Founding Fathers intentionally omitted it as a means to counter the English Crown. I think that this concept should be taught to our children. Just because they believe they are having a private conversation does not guarantee that it will stay that way. Our cultivated communication should always be held to the highest standard and be above reproach. 

Bustamante also offered insight into how to quell combative rhetoric. We all encounter situations where someone else is upset and not exhibiting signs of self-regulation. When this occurs, Andrew recommends asking the other person to clarify what they are saying. Doing this will make them analyze their own words and can often act as a natural deterrent. Another method to utilize is to agree with them. Even if you don’t align with what they are saying, this can help the other person feel seen and validated, which sometimes is more important than having a verbal confrontation and ensuring that our kids are equipped with the necessary tools for communicating with others. This advice will carry them a long way.   

Teaming up with his wife, Jihi, they published their book Shadow Cell: An Insider Account of America’s New Spy War, which reflects on their time as spies. Initially meeting at Langley, Virginia, for training, the Central Intelligence Agency found them to be a helpful duo. Every page in this book is filled with interesting, sometimes jaw-dropping information. A central aspect of the book is how the CIA utilized the young newlyweds to use their covert skills to uncover a dangerous mole. 

I honestly cannot recommend this book enough. In one way, it is edge-of-your-seat entertainment, and in another, it is a mind-blowing education on US intelligence. A significant takeaway from this book is the recurring theme of communication. Both Andrew and Jihi needed to learn how to communicate effectively with one another, as well as with their team, to survive. Understanding nonverbal cues helps them form their understanding of their own safety and gather information. 

The book also highlights how miscommunication can have consequential ripples that can affect more than the immediate people involved. For a book that had to go through a robust screening by the CIA before its release, there is a ton to learn from it. This book will make for a great stocking stuffer for your teen this holiday season, too.  

Bustamante is also the founder of EverydaySpy, a company that teaches practical spy skills for everyday life, including school, work, and relationships. EverydaySpy teaches you real techniques that the Central Intelligence Agency trains its recruits on. Someone may wonder what covert intelligence training has to do with, say, a college student or a parent. Turns out, quite a lot. 

The methods taught at Langley aren’t just about how to plant a secret listening device in a highly guarded area. They also teach a great deal on proper communication methods, such as how to read a room and pick up on someone else’s body language. These types of skills are dwindling more and more each day as people’s eyes are continuously glued to electronic devices. 

Andrew Bustamante’s EverydaySpy teaches you how to break through distractions, allowing you to be both present and observant. Additionally, the website offers a very entertaining (and free) quiz that reveals your Secret Spy Superpower. This free quiz would be a lot of fun to do with the entire family to see where everyone’s strengths lie.  

I was also able to speak with another former CIA operative, Nic McKinley. He began his service with the United States Air Force as a pararescueman in Special Operations before joining the Central Intelligence Agency in 2007. He is also the founder of the DeliverFund, a nonprofit intelligence agency that provides high-end technology and training to law enforcement to combat human trafficking. 

A now-declassified story of McKinley’s time in the CIA is when he was nearly abducted at a checkpoint in North Africa. McKinley was able to prevent this from happening by understanding his potential captor’s social environment and how to communicate in a way that would resonate with them. 

We all have moments where we find ourselves in the unfortunate position of dealing with someone who may be using aggressive rhetoric in public discourse. I asked McKinley directly for specifics on how to de-escalate these tensions. He told me that when engaging, it’s best to stick with ideas that are backed by data. Once a conversation veers off the beaten path, it becomes less productive. You also want to make sure that you understand the other person’s point of view, even if you disagree with them. Preferably, start off the conversation by finding common ground with each other. Doing this will prevent an enemy narrative. These are real, practical ways to deal with aggressive and opposing viewpoints. Teaching these skills to our children will help them in current social situations now and well into their adulthood.            

I joked with my wife that I would make a terrible spy. I’ve grown way too accustomed to streaming services and the comfort of my own bed. That being said, perhaps since I would be such a terrible spy, it would then make me a really good one? Regardless, I doubt that I would meet their qualifications anyway. 

As my interview with Andrew Bustamante was wrapping up, I asked him if he had any advice for teenagers who might be interested in a career in intelligence for the United States. He told me that if they feel the need to serve, then do it. Build a skillset and stay focused. The CIA will find you if they need you. Plus, you can also apply right on their website when you’re ready. 

Furthermore, don’t listen to what people with no relation to the CIA tell you about the CIA. If they never worked for them before, then that means they have no idea what they’re talking about. 

For my last question, I asked him directly, “Are you still in the CIA?”. In his calm, collected manner, he slightly smirked and said that he doesn’t know any former agent who would reject coming back to the CIA for one last job.