By now, most of us parents have sent our kids back to school. Schedules and routines are finally settling in, and with that comes a whole new list of questions about identity, friendships, culture, academics, etc. The one group that gets bombarded the hardest is middle school or junior high kids, depending on what your school district calls them.

And yes, we can all agree those years are rough! It is a lot for kids to go from standing in line to walk to lunch to having to juggle a multiple teacher and classroom schedule along with remembering one or two locker combinations, and on top of it, dealing with all the social and self-identity changes at once. So why do we do this to tweens?

I do not have an answer, but I have a few thoughts on the experience. So what are we talking about here? The desire for acceptance, self-image, personal likes and dislikes, peer pressure, puberty, the evolution of friendships, and the finding yourself stage bundled into the middle school or junior high experience is one of the most brutal a person will go through. 

Well, to begin with, we must show empathy, understanding, and listen! Tweens are already overwhelmed with all the changes. The exciting feeling of preparing for the new school year soon fades away as they face the reality of the experience and are thrown not one but multiple changes to their life. So what can we do to help?

Keep the line of communication open – We all know whenever we ask kids about their day or what they worked on, it seems as if they have amnesia and can’t remember one thing at all. With that said, keep an ear open as your child may have a long list of questions, experiences, and, yes, feelings as they begin their tween school years. Make sure they know you are available. Exercise active listening – that means you will actually pay attention to what they say and will refrain from using the “well when I was in school” or “it’s not a big deal” phrase as this isn’t about you; it is about your tween and believe me it is a big deal and in some instances a major definer of what the years ahead will look like for them in and out of school. While it may seem as if they are trying to break from you, you will find that during these years, they will have many questions and may feel confused and need Mom and Dad more than ever. 

Prepare your child with proper information – This is probably the most intimidating factor to process as it is one of the most necessary. With many hormonal changes during this stage, our sweet kids can suddenly appear fragile, while others will become big jerks. There is no middle point at all! It might be a short period or a super long experience. Nonetheless, as much as some of us would like to skip this whole stage, it is not an option. Finding yourself is not easy; without the proper support, love, and understanding, it can be grueling for our kids. 

One tool that we, as parents, can access is physical and sex education. Most schools have a health class that will walk our kids through the basics of the upcoming physical and mental changes their bodies will experience for the next few years. I think this is an edge for our generation of parents, especially when you consider decades ago, kids had minimal information from home and none from school. It left them confused, or worse, gathering information on their own, which turned out they were being misinformed. So, if you haven’t signed that slip from school permitting your kid to attend, please do so! If your school does not offer this class, check in with your family doctor or local health department.

Normalize friendship, family, and personal relationships expiring – Your child is excited to go back to school and reconnect with Johnny, but suddenly, Johnny isn’t the same kid he was before and does not want to hang out with your child anymore. This will hurt to the core! First of all, tend to your kids’ feelings and emotions. Giving your child support, empathy, and love is a must.

At the same time, remember that Johnny is just another kid going through the same changes yours is and is processing perhaps differently, but unless Johnny is being cruel or mean, do not demonize Johnny! 

Instead, take this as an opportunity to talk to your child about how people and friendships change and sometimes expire. Understanding why people want to change, including friendships, must be normalized, not just for Johnny but for your child. 

Not doing so may make your child feel as if there is something wrong with them when, in reality, it is very normal for everyone to outgrow friendships, personal relationships, and sometimes even family! 

Most importantly, it is also a good opportunity for your child to learn how to walk away when his/her love, affection, and friendship aren’t appreciated or valued as they should. It is not uncommon for kids to want things to return as they were and will continuously seek out that friend, knowing they are no longer welcome. 

By talking about this with your child, you will not only be helping him overcome the pain and sorrow the loss may bring but also preparing them to understand that it is okay to lose friends and move on. I firmly believe that not taking this opportunity to discuss how to understand others and protect your feelings can define the way your child will process friendship, family, and personal relationships in the future. 

Testing limits –  Part of growing up is knowing you will be able to do certain things you could not before. How many of us walked up to that fair ride knowing we would for once be able to go abroad because we had grown up? Well, the same happens with many other things in life, especially for Tweens. As they discover their ability to do things they could not before, they will realize they can do much more than they thought they could! 

This will make it exciting for some things but could also be dangerous at other points. Your once-compliant kid will suddenly enjoy that sense of independence and may want to push boundaries. The power of “no” you once had is kind of shaking right now. So, how do we respond to kids wanting to play rebels because they are in junior high now and are all grown up?

Well, as always, communicate and stay consistent with your rules. The tween years are not the time to bounce all over the place. Remember your toddler? Well, this is Part Deux! So do not relax too much. Laying down the rules and reinforcing them will help your tween work through the balance of having new freedoms and more responsibilities. You must remember these kids genuinely believe they have grown up a lot during the summer. Their perception is a reality, and even for us parents, we suddenly see more abilities that can trick us into feeling prepared to let go or for them to do more when, in fact they are not.

Talk about safety – We spend much time telling our kids not to talk to strangers in kindergarten and grade school. We must not stop once they become tweens. Yes, it is tempting to loosen up as suddenly they are as tall as you are, but this stage is one to beware of everything and everyone. 

Social activities and media can bring a lot of pain and harm if not adequately monitored or spoken about. Discuss the importance of respecting their body and mind by ensuring they feed positive content in real and virtual life. Remind them of the predators who will tell them they are all grown up to earn their trust and blind them from their negative intentions. 

Safeguard them from being prey by establishing safe social media or internet use principles. Apply active supervision around the clock. This stage is not one to get relaxed. Overusing video games, social media, or too much freedom can be harmful. Remember, they are not ready to be adults; they are far from. Tweens are emotionally fragile, and some of the insecurities they will experience as part of their growth can be used by the wrong activity, game, or person to harm their body, heart, and mind. 

Celebrate your tween! – These years are when your kid will need you to be their biggest cheerleader and root for them every chance you get. Instead of instilling fear, talk about the exciting process of growing up. Sure, there will be some pains and aches, but ultimately, kids are becoming themselves! 

Celebrate the baggy pants or colored hair! Turn on the jukebox and play what they’re listening to for safety and also to learn the new identity your child is achieving every step of the way. Yes, music will tell you a lot about your kid’s thoughts and feelings, so turn it on and listen up!

Last but not least, remind them how much they are loved – No, it is never too much when saying, “I love you” and “I am proud of you.” Not feeding your child’s heart with love and support will make them insecure and fragile or, worse, unable to communicate love, understanding, or patience as they grow.

All in all, the dreadful tween years don’t have to be! We, as parents, have so much life experience and information. Having these conversations with tweens will help them shake off the negatives going into Middle or Jr. High School so often brings, and in fact, it turns it into one of the most powerful ones they will have.