Spending Holidays With Your Family – Don’t Just Survive, Savor Every Moment

I don’t blame you; you probably saw that title and meant to click on just about anything else. 

“My family is the worst! All I do is survive the holidays.”

I completely understand and relate. And understand even more. My parents are divorced, my wife’s parents are divorced, and both of us have siblings who are divorced. And both of us have relatives who seem to plan their day around making inappropriate comments at every gathering. It’s awkward with a capital AF. 

We have gone through the motions of trying to make everyone happy, planning for every little circumstance, rapidly changing schedules, finalized plans changing at the last second, and someone inevitably insisting that everyone should change their plans to accommodate them. For some reason, the majority of the group goes along with it. 

So that’s what we do now – we go along with it. To an extent. 

We make sure our kids are comfortable and not overwhelmed, something our parents rarely considered (and the parents still question us about why we bother, but that’s the generation gap for you). We make sure we enjoy the time we spend with family. That often means laughing at things we usually wouldn’t, but there’s a secret we unlocked recently that has helped us enjoy typically fragile family time more than before. 

A friend told us they view holiday gatherings as going to see a stand-up comic. These are the stories you will laugh about later, so why not laugh at them now? 

Genius. 

When you listen to a story from a comic (like Nate Bargatze or Mike Birbiglia), you find yourself laughing at the relatable moments, then feeling awkward at how close to home it is, then laughing again once you have reminded yourself it’s not happening now. Birbiglia has a story he tells about an awkward encounter where he mentally makes a note that goes “I’m going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.”

That doesn’t mean you need to take notes during your family time to figure out a way to make it an entertaining story for friends later, nor does it mean live texting your friends what your drunk uncle is saying now. It means live in the moment. Difficult to do, and even more complicated to continue, especially if your younger sibling finally lands a statement that gets under your skin. But you have to keep the focus on fun and not on frustration. 

Things are going to happen that weren’t planned, and some of them won’t be great. 

Smile. Then laugh. Then move on. 

Find the little moments and also find time to appreciate them, especially when they are with the little people in the room. Make sure every quirky thing your kids do this time makes you smile. My four-year-old daughter plans her day around making a mess with her food so I can wipe her fingers for her. I’m just going to assume she’s not trying to break the rules; she’s trying to get a minute together when everyone else is occupied. They tell you to cherish every moment as a parent of young kids, and while I try to do that, many of them slip away as random moments in time that I didn’t realize I would miss later on. They say the empty nesters miss the noise and the mess first. My son likes to sing nursery rhymes at a volume meant for a circus and has no interest in learning what an inside voice is. Maybe this is my sign to take them to the park to burn off excess energy? Maybe invite a family member I haven’t caught up with yet, especially one who might feel as socially anxious in these gatherings as I do. Just make sure you don’t abandon your spouse – if they are feeling as much or more anxious than you are, then maybe they need to be the one taking a break, especially if it’s your family this time. 

Like Woody Harrelson’s character Tallahassee tells us in Zombieland – gotta enjoy the little things.

Take breaks; you don’t need to be in the action for the entire gathering. Be willing to step aside for a few minutes. Part of enjoying every gathering is not being there for the duration. You take breaks at work, your kids take breaks at school, there’s no reason you can’t take breaks here. Professional athletes take breaks; you can give yourself five minutes on the bench to recharge. 

If you’re going to a relative’s house, have an exit strategy in advance in case things get weird or you get tired. Let your significant other know what might trigger it and what words to use if you need to huddle up. Maybe just a hand signal, like the peace sign, if you think you need to head out. For example, I’ll wave at my wife, then emphasize the five to indicate we need to wrap up and head out in 5. If anyone catches it, we say we’re saying hi to each other, and then one of us can find a reason to head back. 

If people will be at your house, it’s a little more complicated. But hopefully, if you have a reasonably early start time, folks will want to head out before it gets too late. Our kids have a bedtime. We aren’t super strict on it when there isn’t school the next day, but if it gets the guests to start thinking about departing, we aren’t against it. Something simple like “oh gosh, it’s getting late, we need to get the kids to bed soon.” Some people will say that is a way to get us to leave? And you say no, we need to start getting them ready soon, and they will go down better if they don’t hear a bunch of people talking. We have time, just not an hour. That will get them thinking about starting to wrap up and getting on the road. 

Like the famous words from Semisonic – Closing Time, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.  

Remember to laugh. The holidays are a magical time for kids, and they can be for people with kids, too. They don’t need to be something you survive. Think of things that might bug you and have a plan. Don’t go in blind, and don’t be too rigid either; you need to adapt. Just treat the whole thing like a funny movie, don’t take it too seriously, and don’t worry about people trying to be too serious either. If they are being too serious, tell them this conversation is too complicated for this setting, and ask who needs a beverage. Let someone else sit in on that one. As long as everyone is civil, you can sidestep awkward comments and emotional landmines, and it’s a lot easier to do that if you are laughing it off. 

Have fun. Growing up, you probably had fun at the holidays and wished you could get back to that. Try experiencing them with your kids and through their eyes, and you never know, maybe that’s precisely what will happen. 

No matter what time you get home (or no matter what time people leave your home), you have a brand new episode of a brand new season of Stranger Things to watch for the first time that evening. How can you have a bad holiday when Eleven and her friends are waiting to show you their latest adventures? 

Just remember to breathe, that’s the first step in anything positive. After that, enjoy the comedy and, most importantly, enjoy the little things.