Three key ingredients to any successful relationship, project, venture, or approach to adversity. Easier said than done – often, sage advice feels pithy and unrealistic. So simple it’s offensive to those of us facing seemingly endless obstacles.
Where is the quick fix? Where is the shortcut to the solution? Parents, we must let go of the Veruca Salt that storms inside us. We want the answers, and we want them now.
As a parent of Irish Twins, I’ve had a master class in practicing patience, seeking progress (not perfection), and pivoting to a positive attitude. Now, this doesn’t mean I’ve mastered these concepts, nor will I ever, but I felt compelled to share what I’ve learned thus far.
1. Patience, the proverbial solvent to anxiety, stress, and worry. My youngest daughter lives across the country, and I’ve gone multiple months without holding her and sharing space. During these months, I found myself easily agitated with her mother, disagreeable at every turn, and almost reticent to communicate via FaceTime with my daughter. It wasn’t until I picked up the book “Atomic Habits” by James Cleary and opened myself to a solution to my nagging inner Verruca that I began coming into the awareness that I was marching down a path of darkness. My eagerness to be with my daughter and love her the way I felt was best for her was creating a deeper and wider chasm between where I wanted to be (with my youngest daughter for an extended period of time, just the two of us) and where I presently was. The book called me to look at my daily habits and where they were taking me. Nowhere, fast. My unwillingness to simply BE and let go of the sense of control actually helped the kinks of my co-parenting relationship with Mom reach a high point. 1% every day in some aspect of life is achievable for EVERYONE. My message to parents is simply that, whether it is your tone of voice during high-stress interactions, your self-care practice, your ability to sit still and let the world work itself out, or simply taking 10 minutes to put down the work, the phones, etc. and just “BE” is something that we can never overlook. One day, just as before, our children grow so quickly that we wake up, and they’re walking, talking, jumping, and running. Don’t let the impatience of your inner Verruca blind you to the power of patience.
2. Progress, not Perfection – I’ve noticed a common trend amongst some parents regarding expectations for their kids AND themselves. Realistically, most parents believe their child(ren) is/are perfect, myself included. This is healthy. However, the expectations of ourselves as parents to be “perfect” is toxic and draining. We deserve grace from self and others to continually become the best parent possible rather than blindly seek an image of what a parent “should” look like, act like, talk like, etc. Perfection and Should are twins living separate but similar lives. One is truly unattainable, and the other is a guilt-laden nag living rent-free in our spirit. Our children deserve the best of us, and the best of us is always a work in progress, just as is the growth of our little ones.
3. Carve out time each and every day to do something that is outside of your role as a parent. This is such an understated piece of advice my Mentor gave me. Recharge and fill your cup. Daily! I’ve found walking, swimming, and meditation extremely helpful. Some days I barely find 10-15 minutes to sit still and breathe. On other days I get to slip away to the gym, drop little ones at daycare, and swim, soak, and steam. It doesn’t have to look the same every day but has to look like something. You owe it to yourself as a parent.
All in all, we are faced with a choice to find the silver lining in every tantrum, every spill, every mess, and every nap time. The littlest shifts in thinking, doing, and feeling stack up over timee and grow into a fuller cup of energy, perspective, and drive toalways give our kids the bess.
