This will be my first Mother’s Day without my mom. She passed unexpectedly in February. Losing her has helped me understand her and her struggles in an unconventional way.
Our sad similarity that I have found is that we both lost our mom while parenting young children. I have two young kids: four and seven years old. When she lost her mom, she had an infant and a four-year-old (me). As I randomly burst into sobs, duck into the bathroom to cry, and try to shield most of my pain from my kids I often think: how in the hell did she do this?
I remember spending many days of my childhood at the cemetery where her mom was laid to rest. That cemetery was my first stop after she had passed. I wanted to go and talk to her mom’s plaque, and ensure my mom arrived safe. I looked around and remembered my sister and I playing there. We would chase each other, distribute flowers into the cups on the memorial plaques, and do all kinds of wacky things. I told my husband of these memories and he asked, “What was your mom doing while you guys were doing that? Probably crying, huh?” This thought broke my heart. I honestly do not remember what she was doing: I just remember it being a fun place for us. Now I envision doing the same thing as she did. Taking my children there so that I can feel close to her. And I imagine they will do the same thing as my sister and I did. They will laugh, play, and chase while I sit, remember my mom, and cry.
My mom coped through grief counseling and support groups. I imagine I will do the same thing. But I would like to do more than just “cope” for her: I want to thrive for her. So, how will I do it? I will do it by working hard to preserve memories of her for my kids. I will do it by carrying on her important traditions. I will do it by embracing the things that she loved. She loved gardening, so I will learn to love it too. She embraced religion and the afterlife. I realize now that she probably favored these studies so that she could feel more connected to her mom after her passing.
Beyond honoring her wishes and interests: I will continually “put myself in her shoes” when I react to my surroundings. My mom, then and now, inspires me to be the best version of myself. One time, I told her on the phone that I was too tired to take the kids to a peer’s birthday party. She got incredibly quiet and sounded extremely disappointed when she said, “Oh, okay. But, can you imagine if no one came to her birthday party?”. I sighed, laughed, and said “OK, OK mom. We’re going”. Another time after she passed, the kids and I were at McDonald’s when a man rudely shouted at me, “Go get me a spoon!” My kids and I looked at each other in disbelief and I told him the spoons are up at the counter and turned away from him. Immediately, I felt guilt, and thought of my mom saying, “Can you imagine what he is going through to make him act like that?” I asked my seven-year-old daughter what Grandma would tell us to do. She giggled, went to the counter, and brought him a spoon. My mom simply would not put up with us not practicing kindness, no matter what. These are the ways in which she will live on through us.
My mom completely embodied empathy. She would always consider the person who was the least equipped for a situation and say to me: “Can you imagine how they feel?” I will work hard to instill empathy into my children’s personalities and their upbringing. My mom loved the Earth and all its elements. I will work hard to teach my children about the Earth’s gifts, including animals and nature itself. The last thing I could think of to say to her, minutes before she passed was: “I promise, Mom. We will be good to this Earth, animals, and nature.”
What will we do on this upcoming Mother’s Day? We will walk outside and embrace nature. We will find a way to brighten someone else’s day. We will think of what she would want us to do, and we will do it. We will practice kindness and empathy in as many ways as we can. I will laugh, I will cry, and I will miss my mom. Although we do not share the same planet anymore, we will always share our love. Even though I have lost her, I will find her again through memories and through the characteristics that my children and I carry of hers.
If you are fortunate enough to still have your mom: love her, learn about her, and embrace her.
A very Happy Mother’s Day to you all.
Stephanie McCoy was born and raised in Portland, Oregon-where she still lives. She recently graduated with a Master’s in Education degree from Concordia University. In her free time: she likes to read and write, get outdoors, embrace her kiddos and husband, and watch travel documentaries.